10 sub red flags

Wherever women are making money, there are people looking to scam them out of it. Most findommes working right now will tell you they get more messages from scammers and time wasters than they do from actual subs.

To help you weed out the dregs, here are some red flags to be aware of when you’re screening potential finsubs, or as you start to build your D/s relationship with them:

Brand new profile

No matter which site you’re on, if you get approached by someone who just joined, has very few followers (but may be following lots of people), has no profile pic or bio, and generally is a blank slate, chances are you should be wary.

How to deal with them: I don’t follow people who match this description, and often just go ahead and block them if they follow me, because they’re bots or scammers.

If you get a DM from one of these, hold them at arm’s length for a bit. They’re gonna hit you with a scam of some sort. Make sure you run whatever they message through Is this a scam?, because chances are it will be.

Too much talking, not enough paying

This one will try to keep you talking as long as they can, without paying for your time, or sending a tribute. Their goal is to get free wank material.

How to deal with them: as soon as they start steering a conversation to specific acts, or they get suggestive, or they seem to be trying to get you to fight with them, drop a link to your tribute, and leave them on read. I give these clowns 24 hours to mend their ways, and pay. No pay? Enjoy your stay on my block list.

Asking what they get for paying you

There are a lot of subs who don’t understand how findom works: they pay because they get off on paying, and not in exchange for anything else. If you encounter a new sub who constantly asks for time or content because they’ve paid a small amount, you have a content buyer, not a finsub.

How to deal with them: explain the difference between findom, where giving money is the kink, and nothing further is on offer from the domme, and buying content, where they give money in exchange for media or goods. If you’re a content seller, convert them to a buyer. If you’re not, send them on their way, because if they want something in exchange for taking their money, they will never be a finsub.

Refusing to use your payment methods

If you tell a sub which payment methods you use, those are the methods they should use to pay you. End of discussion.

How to deal with them: since 9 times out of 10, this is a scam, hold your ground, and tell them to work it out. It’s not your job to accommodate the sub’s payment preferences; it’s on them to pay you the way you want to be paid. If they want you, they’ll work it out. If they’re too lazy to do that, bin them.

Also, FFS, if you haven’t done the research about how to safely accept crypto, and which types you will accept, don’t let some pushy clown talk you into it. It’s 100% a scam.

Refusing to verify their age

All dommes should ask their subs to verify their age before getting down to specifics, doing sessions, or having any sort of adult exchange. I talk about this in How do I age verify a sub?

How to deal with them: shut them down. Do not engage with someone who won’t verify they’re an adult. They’re not worth the jail time.

Expecting custom verification

I talk about why you should never do custom verification pics or videos in Should I send a custom verification video? You already have age verification, and plenty of content posted. Do not supply custom content that can be used to catfish someone else.

How to deal with them: Just say no, and keep saying no. They will disappear.

Demanding your time

If your new sub seems to think that because they paid your tribute, your time is theirs 24/7, you have some educating to do. Subs should have absolutely no expectation of any time or attention unless you have agreed.

How to deal with them: set some boundaries about when and how often they may text you, and how much your rate is per minute for things like video chat, audio and such. Premium Chat, or your rates for those things on OF or LF, can be helpful with this conversation. If the sub complains, remind them that your time is money, and it’s not findom unless they’re paying you for it.

Some subs are extremely needy, and no amount of boundary setting will stop them from pestering you constantly. Is the money really worth the disrespect? If they can’t be trained not to contact you unless they have an appointment, toss them in the bin.

Disrespecting boundaries

If you set boundaries, and your new sub seems intent upon pushing them or ignoring them, this is another opportunity to educate them.

How to deal with them: stick to your boundaries. If they push, shut down whatever activity you’re doing. End the chat or session by letting them know they’ve disrespected your clearly communicated boundaries, and you won’t keep a sub who doesn’t respect you. Don’t interact with this sub again until they apologize, and agree to respect your boundaries.

Topping from the bottom

Topping from the bottom is my favorite findom expression. It means your sub seems to think they’re in charge, and isn’t submissive. This can creep up in a variety of ways: they may try to tell you how to dominate them (or “teach you”, which I cannot roll my eyes at hard enough); they may get angry if you don’t answer their messages immediately; they may try to push you into doing things their way, on their schedule, the way they want to do them; they may get angry about having to pay for your time each time you chat or have a session.

Dude, if you want to be a dom, be a dom, but do it somewhere else.

How to deal with them: tell them they’re not in charge. If they want to be your sub, they should submit to you. If they can’t or won’t do that, they’re wasting your time and theirs.

Asking for too much immediately

Any sub who approaches you for the first time asking for a debt contract, ownership, or a cash meet should be held at arm’s length. Most subs want to build a relationship with a domme before asking for these things, since they require trust.

I once had a brand new to findom sub approach me to ruin him financially. I said sure, after we get to know each other, and I’m sure you know what financial ruin means. He seemed obsessed with this idea, and wanted to know how many subs I’d ruined. I binned him, because honestly, he was fascinated by the idea, but not prepared to discuss the reality, and seemed really annoyed that I wasn’t taking everything he had right that minute.

How to deal with them: tell them to slow their roll, because those are things you only do with subs you know. Instead of a debt contract, maybe a small RT game. Instead of ownership, a short trial period to see if you’re a good fit together. And cash meets should really only be done with subs you’ve already established trust with, unless you have a bodyguard built like a refrigerator.

I know a small percentage of you are thinking “screw that guy, I’m taking all his money” at this last one, but seriously, be an ethical domme, and make sure your subs know what they’re getting into before you destroy them. Aim for consensual destruction if you can, OK?