Limits and boundaries
In the findom world, you won’t hear nearly enough about limits and boundaries. Being clear about them, both your own, and those of your subs, will help you build healthy D/s interactions you can feel good about.
What are limits?
A limit is simply something you feel should be mentioned. Something you like or dislike. Something you want to bring up when discussing what will happen between you and your sub.
Think of a limit as a statement that is all about the person saying it. So, I don’t like to be called Mommy is a limit. I don’t want to show any nudity is a limit. Limits describe what you will and won’t tolerate when interacting with your sub. They are your preferences.
Try to keep the word you out of your limits. What you want someone else to do, or not to do, will form your boundaries. Stick to what you like and don’t like.
Hard limits
A hard limit is something you absolutely will not tolerate. I will not tolerate disrespect, or I will not chat for free are both hard limits. Anything you will not do under any circumstances is a hard limit. These limits must be respected in order for any interaction to go forward.
Soft limits
By contrast, soft limits are something you prefer not to do, but are willing to discuss in the moment. They’re a soft no, rather than a hard one. So, I prefer not to be called Mommy, but in your case, every once in a while, it’s OK is a soft limit. You and your sub are both aware of your preferences, and can negotiate accordingly.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are shaped by hard and soft limits, and create the parameters of D/s interactions. You can define boundaries using You or We statements. You should never call or text before 8AM is a boundary. Maybe you and your sub will negotiate this, because you’ve set the limit of not being awakened before 8AM. You should not serve any other Mistress is another boundary. Maybe your sub has expressed wanting to serve only you, so this is an appropriate boundary. However, if your sub has expressed wanting to serve multiple dommes, this would be a boundary to be negotiated.
Communication is key
Having discussions about limits can sometimes be awkward. Often, subs will say “oh, I don’t have any limits” in order to avoid this conversation. So, start with saying “I’m going to tell you my limits”. Once the sub has heard yours, and had a moment to consider them, he might feel more comfortable discussing what he likes and doesn’t like.
Limit disussions can happen a bit at a time, as new situations arise. And in findom, financial limits should definitely be part of those discussions. Never be afraid to ask before a session if your sub has limits. Communication makes for safe, fun play time for both of you.